Paint

"Paint a picture of me so I can see who I should be..." I pray for this. I have some glimpses and bits and pieces but I want to see the whole picture. I want to see what the overall result is of all these years of wondering and pruning and purifying. And what if I see something that is not what I am today? What if I see a picture of a satisfied woman with a great marriage and family living the life of our dreams?  What if what I see is not where I am now but what I wish for? Is what I see just wishful thinking or something bigger? How do I know the difference between the two?

I have this picture on our bedroom wall and look at it quite often. I cry often looking at it , while writing scripts in my had about it. I see this as Dan and I dancing, (which I always wanted us to take classes and perfect our couple's dancing) dressed up like maybe we just got finished throwing a wedding for one of our kids, or received a Grammy or an Oscar.  My feet are hurting me in those awfully high heels so I take them off and feel the cool water beneath - which I absolutely love (to walk on the beach barefoot).  There is the singing butler and the maid, representing our financial problems are far behind us, and also showing us we have people who take care of us and sing and dance with us enjoying life's special moments. We are both thin and fit to wear our fancy clothes showing we are in the best shape of our lives and downright looking good!  Although it's raining, and our fine clothes are getting ruined, my makeup probably running, and it seems we have stayed out the entire night - we embrace the dawn with the angels beside us, thankful for our life, more in love than ever, carefree and energized with joy unimaginable. That's what I see.

I remember reading C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity" for the first time about eight years ago.  It was full of literal interpretations of God's Word which helped me understand so much more, but in one of the latter chapters, he said something that really struck me: "It's like God does not know what you are about to do until you do it and then once  that steps into time, it's as He has known it since the beginning of time." Something like that. This very sentence, in just exact verbiage that Mr. Lewis used, the LORD showed to me just a year prior. I was amazed.  I had been telling people this concept for a long time, yet everyone either just looked at me and changed the subject, or told me to back off because I was stepping on God's toes - how dare I say He does not know...But, I knew inside God knew it all, this way of interpreting just helped me see how. It was not as if I was trying to demean God's authority or blasphemy against His omniscience - I finally received that God indeed knows it all! I was so energized by this revelation but the more I expressed it to others, the more I saw that I just needed to put this idea at rest. Until I read "Mere Christianity" and the same exact words I had said appeared on paper, penned way before I was even thought of. It floored me and I remember laying in the couch shocked and speechless. I connected with this Lewis fellow through this book, and it sure did freak me out. 


I think of it as going through life making choices out of our free will, yet in eternity - the future, the present, and the past is all the same, because eternity is not governed by time.  God created the heavenly, way before earth and  time. So when I pray and ask God to show me what is going to happen here - He gives me glimpses of eternity. But, how does He know yet - because it must have happened already according to Him. In eternity, I have achieved my destiny. So I trust God and that He will fulfill His purposes for me. I trust that He gives me visuals of the future to encourage me and give me hope, because although hope has made my heart sick (and because of my own disobedience), when He fulfills this longing that is inside me, it will bring about wisdom as a Tree of Life to my soul. I look ahead for the best.


Another analogy I used shortly after my conversion was that of a painting.  When God painted us He painted the whole thing. He knows every bit of the painting, why the specific colors are where they are, why every detail is depicted, what the painting is called and the meaning behind it, much like Psalm 139 tells us. So when we look at a painting we interpret it so very differently and often miss the most important details and certainly do not have the same feelings about it as the painter himself.  He knows why each color is what it is and why some paintings tell of emotions, while others depict surroundings and circumstances, people or abstract ideas. Each one is unique.  It's like us - and the painting we represent to the world as to who we are at this moment shows our emotions, circumstances and outlook in life.
What kind of a painting are you?  How well do you know who you are? Do you see other paintings and identify with them, seeing their potential to be the next Mona Lisa?

Yet when we know the ways in which a certain painter paints, we can look at his other paintings and guess they must have been done by him as well. Like Picasso, for example. If it's weird and makes no sense, drawn out to stand out like a person crying out for attention and doing the craziest things to be seen - then it's a Picasso. Like Cher said in "Clueless,"  -  "It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess." But when you see a painting like this - you immediately say "It's a Picasso." Because you know the ways in which he paints.  What if we are all painted as Van Gohs at first, then we go through life becoming Picassos on our own and then as the LORD calls us back, He reshapes and reconstructs us and we become wise and peaceful Monets? And the world will know us and who we belong to just by seeing us. "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." And again, I come back from chasing tails to the meaning of it all - Love. Let's all represent our Painter by living out our destiny. Allow yourself to be free to be you. Represent :)

Revival

Revival - an abstract word to me.  I did not grow up in church nor was I accustomed to the term "revival" until well after I was transformed by Christ back in 2003.  I hear that it is a term describing an outpouring by the Holy Spirit within an area - whether a city, congregation, or a gathering of any sort. It is when the Holy Spirit just takes over - usually starting with at least one believing individual and sets loose on all around him/her. Mass healing, deliverance, miracles, and an overwhelming repentance and return to the Father is expected. I have found out hat this is not the same as the regular "healing" seminars and broadcasts. I have read about major pain that was cause int he name of "revival" and much money was robbed from the individuals desperate for help by the false preachers and prophets. I am still trying to figure it all out. 


I read in many books and studies written by reputable pastors and leaders about what it's like to be a part of a revival and be in such a vast and dense presence of Him. I would love to be involved in such an event, but honestly I am a little skeptical and scared. Skeptical for the fear of what if this is bogus - but seeing I am not to live in fear I suppose this excuse needs to be resolved. Okay, I resolved it.  Scared - well - I'm scared for what would become afterward. I am scared that I would be a huge part in this revival and even a part of initiating it, then somehow my humanism would take over and I would become full of myself.  Okay - fear based this talk is...(in a Yoda voice) So, to quote this master Jedi - "fear is the path to the dark side."  I get it. Fear of the unknown. Fear of becoming overwhelmed to the point of feeding off of revivals and chasing these events instead of my Father. Fear of seeking the wrong God again.  All of it is fear I suppose. Huh.

Fear is so crippling. It is a scheme which uses very believable and logical points to keep me at bay. Fear lies. Fear tells me it is safer to stay where I am instead of venturing in the paths laid out for me.  Fear stops me from going forward and moving in a new way. Fear has been behind many of my reasons for being dormant.  Not that I see it as fear, like in the previous instance - but I see it as a path to destruction and to be avoided. Most of these "scary" roads and paths have been just the opposite, and it has been the fear which disabled me and placed me at a standstill, and in essence - kept destroying me. Fear has been a weed in my life, appearing as healthy support desk but having no heavenly idea of what's going on or what is about to happen here.  So I ask... what is going to happen here, LORD?

Revival 2012. Where - I dunno. Will I be involved? - I can only hope and expect to be!  Will fear stop me? - Not a chance, when God is for me and Jesus fights on my behalf.  Will I be skeptical and scared anymore? Ummm - no. Will I understand what revival means so I can talk about it with first-hand knowledge and understanding? Ummm - yep.

"Do not be afraid. I am with you." and here is some proof:

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)


Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9


David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished. 1Chronicles 28:20

So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can Man do to me?" (Hebrews 13:6)


The Lord is my light and my salvation--whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

For God did not give us a spirit of fear; but of power, love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  (Deuteronomy 31:6)

Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. (Isaiah 43:1)

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)
Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again." (Exodus 14:13)


But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God." (Luke 1:30)

and as the name of this blog goes:   "Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” (Luke 1:45)

Sheep

The more time I spend seeking God and understanding His Word, and singing songs of praise (not necessarily Christian songs either) the less problems I have. Weird, but true. Not that the issues aren't there, I just don't think about them and they don't bother me. And if an apparent disaster strikes or obvious intervention is needed, the first thing on my mind is prayer... and it works.  So knowing this, why don't I rely on God more often, instead of wallowing in despair?  I guess it's like with anything else, we are prone to want to do what isn't good for us and have to train ourselves to want good things for ourselves. Like smoking, drinking, eating tons of food we know isn't beneficial, sleeping too much, listening and watching stuff we shouldn't, saying things we shouldn't - all for the sake of immediate gratification. Then we pay the price later, but we keep on banging our heads against the wall anyway and do it all over again, knowing the consequences aren't pretty. Dumb sheep...


I love how the devotional depicted "telegram" and "echogram" prayers.  In the first instance it is us sending God a list of demands and telling Him what we're up to and what we're doing and what we would like for Him to do to make our life better.  Now, talking to God is all good and He does wait for us to speak to Him - but what happens when we "graduate" from self-centeredness and wait in His presence to hear His voice and see what HE wants us to say or do? Good stuff, indeed.  And my issue again is that when I know that all good things come when I spend time in His presence and wait to hear His voice - why wont I do it more? Why not all the time - knowing it benefits me the most in the long run anyway! Dumb sheep...

I love how the LORD is patient with us and waits for us to grow and mature, no matter how long it takes. I think the first step is realizing we are doing something wrong. Like in AA meetings (although I do not agree with pronouncing "I am an alcoholic" because it just drives home all the more the very thing they are trying to free people from) - You must first acknowledge who you are. Repenting is to free ourselves from being tempted to feel condemned. We are purchased by His blood, forgiven, acquitted of all charges, adopted into the family of God, chosen, and favored. God is for us. We are His. Forever and ever.

So when we realize a dumb sheep behavior that is  not doing us a bit of good - we must acknowledge it first, decide and choose for ourselves that we want something better for us, that the damaging behavior is hurtful to our bodies, future, etc. and we want to change.  We must be willing to see and face the truth and see things for what they are.  This way, when we do it again, we will recognize it sooner, and the next time even sooner, and each time the false pleasure weakens its appeal. We are on a path to living free of anything that binds us and directs us where to go. I can talk about all of this, but I am still on that path : morphing from a sheep to a free daughter of the Most High! It's been a long road but each day I get closer and more free to be me. We must receive grace and understanding we are already blameless before Him, so that when we do fall short, we know it's okay. The LORD will lead us and guide us, show us things like generational iniquities to renounce, negative patterns to dismiss, but we must be willing and wanting to change for the good. Otherwise, we remain sheep. He is waiting for us to ask Him, and He will do all it takes to free us from every stronghold and bondage so that we may be true representatives of His glory on earth like we will one day shine in heaven.

Coveting

"Thou shall not covet..."  One of the Big Ten and for a good reason. But, just like the other nine that made it on the tablets, this one is so very hard for us to fulfill and therefore we fall into the trap of disobeying the word of God. The 600+ other laws were too many, so if we can just  do the main ten, we would be okay - but not even so. The law was ordered in place to allow us to see how fallen and in desperate need we actually are. If there were no law, we would create our own absolutes, and to each his own; and if all is acceptable - then nothing is. It would be a mass chaos for sure. The LORD gave us the law to  show us how He expects this world to run- as it is in Heaven. But we also will never be able to fully complete the law even if we started from this moment on and nothing in our past counted. Cannot be done! Praise be to Jesus who actually lived by the law, completed its every demand to the letter so that by taking on His righteousness, we would be forever blameless before our Father in heaven. Good News! Whew... but the law is now written on our hearts of flesh, and the Holy Spirit guides us to live by it anyway because we actually want to be good! It just keeps getting better! 


The more I tear apart though my past, and my motives, my life circumstances, traits and all, the more I see what the LORD has been trying to show me all along: The enemy of my soul and my life in general is not people - but these powers of darkness - the devil and his demons, that we cannot see with our physical eyes. The more I dig in to find out the will of God the more I see things plainly laid out,orderly, simply separated,ordained and falling into the right or the left - black or white.

The gray areas is what we create or we allow Satan to bluff us into entering. It is an awful existence to be lukewarm, and neither hot or cold towards something or someone. The biggest complaint in women these days are passive husbands who are just "there." The most unhappy employees are those who just go to work and have no excitement towards it because they are working a job they are not wired for.  We have been lied to to stay away from the absolutes and get in the gray  - be politically correct, for example. It's like the devil is wanting a world of robotic humans, with no hope, dreams, desires or passion towards anything, for the sake of equality! This is absolutely the most awful way to propose living in peace. You lose your soul in the end by doing it his way. We are a beautiful tapestry of unique and very different individuals who must learn to live in peace and embrace our differences and individuality, our opinions and even looks. This is how we get to true peace and bliss but it is a hard road that involves each person working hard on dealing with him/herself and we have gotten lazy.  Bottom line. We don't want to take the hard road and the one less traveled, so we give in to others who are trying to tell us who we are and what we like, knowing all along there is something wrong inside. We are screaming from the inside out! But, we are too programmed to step out of the fake comfort zones and do anything about it. It is a sad existence indeed.

To come back around from chasing rabbits now... Coveting is something I am trying to understand. Talking about the time of Eve being duped by Satan in the Garden with the girls in bible study, I was reminded of just how much we get tricked into coveting. She had it all in the Garden, bliss of being able to see with her spiritual eyes, walking with God, having a man unlike any other who loved her, no shame, no past regrets, no    unpleasant dreams and physical ailments, she was the most beautiful woman on earth and her husband the most handsome and they ruled the entire world together. They had it all, and all was subject to them. Perfect Paradise, we keep singing about these days, but they had it. And then a snake that talks comes and tells Eve she is missing out on something... There is something else she could be doing and Someone else she could be like. It is the sin of pride that caused Lucifer to fall from heaven. He wanted more than all he had in heaven.  He wanted glory, and to get it he thought he needed to be like God. So he caused a rebellion because of this notion that he needs to be praised, that he should have others want to be like him, answer to him, do as he says and he should be like God. So since he was thrown down, somewhere between heaven and earth in Genesis 1:1, he has been trying to fool us into wanting to be like him and wanting glory for us knowing we cannot handle it. He has been trying to get us to think we are missing out on something and if we only had this then all our problems would be solved: we would know all, be able to create anything, own and rule the world, etc. We would be famous and rich, skinny, good looking, healthy, you name it. It's easy to
go along with this false notion aside from knowing Christ. But the truth is - once we have believed on Jesus and are born again into the spiritual family of God - we DO HAVE everything we need just as we would in heaven.  But the way the devil tricks the Christians is lying to us about our identity and inheritance.  If he can trick us into thinking we have no more power and authority to overcome than we did before we were born again - then he has defeated us and we are of little threat. So there are millions of Christians who are walking in despair wondering why the LORD wont come through when all along He has given us all weapons, all authority, all power and all assurance that when we ask in accordance with His will the answer is "Yes" and "amen!" Seek. Ask. It will be given.

Beat

I love the song by Kari Jobe, "The More I Seek You."  The LORD gave me a verse that I owned up in Matthew 6:33 that says I am to seek FIRST the Kingdom of God and HIS righteousness, and all the things I need or want will be added to me. My will will conform to His, and anything I ask for In His Name it will be given.  Now if Dan and I agree on something - there is eve mo0re power!  The song goes to say - " I want to sit at Your feet, drink from the cup in Your hand, lay back against You and breathe, feel Your heartbeat..."  To feel the heartbeat of God - that's what I want. ("I wont that," in the voice of the lady who wanted the model boat in Napoleon Dynamite, when Uncle Rico was trying to sell some Tupperware to her and her husband..:)


Nowthen... I love saying that in a country voice - even though I'm not born in the south, or America for that matter. Just one of those things I cannot explain :) I have been frustrated with spending morning time with the LORD since I first became a Christian. I know I heard you need to do this, but at first, I spent time with Him in the afternoons and at night and I loved those times! The LORD spoke to me, I learned a lot, and those time were super beneficial and I will cherish them always.  I never-minded about concerning myself with what time or when, I just took every chance I had to spend time with Him.  Then, as I learned from Christianity101, you had to spend quiet time of at least twenty minutes in the mornings with God.  Oh, how I have struggled with this.  I cannot recall how many times I fell asleep on the Bible, how many times I rolled over and the kids woke me up, how many times I just flat out did not want to get up because I was cold, tired, or even angry.  But the harder I tried to obey, the harder it became. I did not know why, and it brought a sense of shame because I was not upholding this task.  Like I failed - every time I did not wake up early and spent quality time with God. Then for the rest of the day, I went about feeling under the weather because I knew my day did not start out right.

I knew I am to give God the first of everything including my day.  I know in the Psalms, David hints many times to the importance of greeting your Father early in the morning, even before the sun rises. I know all this, and I still cannot manage myself to simply just wake my butt up!

Then I found grace. I began to learn about what it means.  I learned why and how grace operates.  I learned or I guess it was more of "I received" in my heart that truth.  I am righteous in Him. I am righteous. I spent 2011 meditating and getting this truth to sink in.  I have met with a most wonderful lady EVER, Kathy, as my mentor to whom I can relate worldly concerns to.  We did the Beth Moore Bible study called "Breaking Free" together, and  the LORD amazed me by allowing me to break free form the past judgements I held against Daniel. I went trough the Freedom Ministry training which were a breath of fresh air and much needed therapy.  I came to see that I needed to be filled. I was so so so hungry! That's why the LORD wanted me to stop all I was doing in so many different directions and just allow Him to fill me again.  I signed up for Freedom Ministry personal sessions, and went like 5 or 6 times. It was so neat that one of the ladies ministering to me was from Yugoslavia herself! Weird but powerful and so very timely and perfectly ordained.

no longer mesmerized by the Phantom - Grace awakened me!

I read books. Lots of books. It started with "From Dream to Destiny," which catapulted this grace in my life and my search for its meaning. Then, a mixture of John Maxwell, Oswald Chambers and the Bible to twist and turn me down my path.  "The God I Never Knew," by Robert Morris released me from the burden of trying to explain what I believed about the Holy Spirit, because he explained it all!  I learned to "Think Differently and Live Differently," in Bob Hamp's amazing read, which reiterated all I remembered from the teachings in the Kairos seminars. I finished "When People Are Big and God is Small," by Edward T. Welch and decided to place peer pressure and what others thought of me behind me, once and for all. A friend gave me some excellent reads one of which was "Breaking the Cycle" by Dr. James Richards.  Awesome follow up to Bob Hamp's book and confirmation on the righteousness of God.  But perhaps, the most influential read at this time was "How to Stop The Pain," by Dr. James Richards. Now had I not read his previous book, I would never had picked up this one because I did not like the title - seriously! I read through this book alongside the girlies in my PINK ladies group, and saw amazing benefits as we realized just how much we judge and take the place of God. It was very freeing and revolutionary!  It seems that the word of the year was "grace" and this was a year for me to be spiritually filled and healed in the deepest parts. I was being restored to what God had in mind for me all along...

This year was said to mark healing and restoration for me, and I got that through so many avenues. I closed up half opened doors, and reopened ones I neglected.  Through it all, I just kept sensing - grace. I am so loved, on purpose, and justified, free form any accusations against me and God is for me. I got that. I overworked my head to get to the bottom of it, but through personal ministry with God in our times alone - I received this gift. More and more I feel the power of His Spirit. More and more I feel like I am on the verge of the best times of our lives. And the more I live in grace, the more I do all those things I strived for so many years to do on my own. Its' the opposite of what you would think.  If Jesus did it all, and we are righteous, forgiven, justified and blameless in His sight, then we can do whatever we want - usually implying this means bad and hurtful things. But the opposite is indeed true.  The more I understand how I do not need to work or stress and worry about tomorrow, the more I just do. I don;t know how or why, but I accomplish more and find myself doing he things I always admired in others: exercise, eat healthy, spend time with family, pray and read before bed, go out with Dan, write, and yes - even wake up early to have morning time with God.  But not because I disciplined myself. I tried that many times and although it may take 28, or 40 days to form a habit - I can brake that habit afterward in three days or less. It's a whole new concept, direction, empowering and desire. Grace. Serve it up!

Flyleaf - All Around Me

Delight

^{From the Book of Isaiah, ch. 61, the KJV lingo:}   

¹The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

 ²To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn;

 ³To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

 ⁴And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations.

 ⁵And strangers shall stand and feed your flocks, and the sons of the alien shall be your plowmen and your vinedressers.

 ⁶But ye shall be named the Priests of the LORD: men shall call you the Ministers of our God: ye shall eat the riches of the Gentiles, and in their glory shall ye boast yourselves.

 ⁷For your shame ye shall have double; and for confusion they shall rejoice in their portion: therefore in their land they shall possess the double: everlasting joy shall be unto them.

 ⁸For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.

 ⁹And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed.

 ¹⁰I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels.

 ¹¹For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

That about sums it up.  I am believing that for this year. I believe I'm on the right track. I believe the wilderness experience has taught me more than I can ever share. I know I'm where I should be and positioned for the next season in my life. I pray after the first forty days of 2012 the wait is over. JERICHO! 

And, what I keep thinking - I want to LIVE! I want out of this cage. The chains are gone indeed. The last of them I saw with my spiritual eyes fall before me.  I sought after God one day and wanted answers of why my soul was downcast. The vision the LORD gave me of like a Colosseum type of building - ancient Greece or Rome I would guess. I was a servant, bound and chained with guards by me, trying my hardest to please the one I answered to. I fell over and over again, begged pathetically and made promises to do better, to not do this or the other and try harder. I was made up but messy, nothing like the fancy ladies walking on the balcony and around the perimeter of the building. I wanted to be like them and to live their life of luxury. I wanted to look like them and receive the blessings they surely had. I wanted to please the "master" and receive happiness in life. I have been trying for so long. He stood at the top of the balcony all dressed up in royal gear, fancier than the gladiators, muscular and tan, like a catalog model. I wanted so much to be a part of his world and be a part of his select few.  But I did not know what I was asking for. I kept crying out to God to grant me this wish, and was mad at Him for withholding a blessed life from me. "Why?" I kept asking, "why not me?"  

This day, the LORD opened the eyes of my heart and I saw:  I was bowing down to the wrong master. I could not have two, for I would hate one and love the other. I had a wrong perception of who the One I loved was. I was loving the enemy and wanting to be a part of his world. But my loving Gladiator would not allow it, and was trying to show me in so many ways, but I was blinded. I was a mere puppet to the master of puppets who was pulling my strings, twisting my mind and smashing my dreams. It was a loud yell I heard, a command of Someone in charge of this lying master, who has been tricking me to do his bidding for so long.  He said "Enough!!!!"  and the liar was exposed. No longer did I have scales over my eyes, and I saw him as an ugly and deformed tyrant, a monster with absolutely no love. He was a mean ruler, and his subjects were as ugly as he was. Their souls were black and dirty, and they lived to lie and turn me away from seeing the Truth. But, the Truth showed up, large and in charge. 

At His word, the chains were broken, the enemies fled, and I remained laying there, much like I would think the adulterous woman laid in her shame after her accusers left, and Jesus drew a line in the sand.  I was so cold on a stone floor, embarrassed in my short and ripped up dress, with makeup running down my face, and hurt. I was angry for falling for the wrong god. I was ashamed and bruised and beaten down. But, at the sound of His voice, I looked up and knew I was okay. It took a while to rebuke the enemies who kept trying to come back and derail me, but in the end, I was carried away by the Fighter. My Redeemer and Warrior, my Hope and Deliverer. He rescued me. He rescued me and showed me truth. He was faithful, even when I wasn't. He fought for me even when I was mesmerized by the superficial glam. He did it because I am worth it! I am so worth it to Him! He was not about to let me go! He was not about to allow blessings in my life that were the desires of my heart - not when I was worshiping and begging the one with the Spirit of Mammon. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feature=fvwp&v=pWRJAHaOrYg

My heart must be yielded fully to the One true God!  When I was seeking to be satisfied, my prayers and needs were rooted in myself, I was imitating and living out for the angel who wanted to raise himself higher than God. He is constantly looking for people to persuade in the most cunning of ways that they are seeking blessings, faith, to do something big for God, to matter. All these seem legit desires at a glance, but they lack one thing - the Kingdom of God and HIS righteousness which we must seek first. I was devil-minded instead of Christ-minded, which is full of love, mercy, forgiveness and a heart to serve the world.  I wanted good things, but underneath it all, I still wanted to be praised and exalted. I saw the truth this day. I saw the lie. I am still trying to stand in victory, stand strong. I have hopefully brushed off the last of shame and deceit, and 2012 will mark the beginning of a new life of "sweet victory" (Sponge Bob style)... Hope - don't disappoint me now!

Fireflight - Unbreakable

Fast

Slow. How in the world did I get here? By jumping in and not being familiar with the waters, hoping for a miracle.  I spent many years receiving miracles and being amazed after going in head first. The only thing is, the more opposition came, the more I learned and was told, and the more people who have been Christians way longer than me came into my life and shared their views - the more I began to panic and sink. I sank to the bottom. I was unprepared. I was unaware - I thought everyone else lived like I did, and spoke to the LORD daily, and lived in miracles. The more I started comparing, the more I became like everyone else I didn't want to be like. Then I slowed down. 

Sometimes the biggest stumbling block in your Christian walk is another Christian.  I believe this comes from forgetting we did nothing to receive the grace in salvation, and as Paul said - why do we think we can take it from here and finish the work God has started on our own merits? The book of Galatians really tackles this issue, especially in chapter 3 when Paul even says the foolish Galatians are acting as if someone has bewitched them!  Now thinking on the people who have been coming to the church in Galatia and hearing the Christians share this "new Gospel by works" - it would most definitely cause them to stumble. I think we kind of live like that today as well.

We go to the Christian book store because we heard someone say "you have to get that book," and pick up a few copies of different books regarding how we should live free.  The views are different in each book and you begin to question who is right, seeing all the writers are highly esteemed pastors and leaders. We listen to a teaching on the radio and it really spurs us up to good deeds, then later that night we watch the Christian channel and hear another pastor speak on something different yet also intriguing - and you wonder "where do I go from here?"

I don't know who helped me, but from the beginning of my walk with Christ, I listened to many different preachers, views and teachings, and whatever stirred in my spirit as truth, I savored it. So I may read an entire book and only get one sentence that becomes life-changing to me, and that's all I take from it. This has been helpful when the books have been mainly about positions I do not agree with, and sometimes downright oppose. There is always something to learn. I pray for God to lead me to what He is trying got show me.

But even in this open-minded venture of mine, to get to he bottom of it and know the Truth, I stumbled many times and it has always been about works - which lead to me. A self-centered view that goes like this: Pray more. Read more. Fast this or that. Be nice. Give. Fast a little more often. Sing songs, have more faith, pray for deliverance, healing and miracles. The harder I tired, the harder it became to live a life I knew right after Jesus called me.  I longed to be free and wild about Him, but again, I tried to get there by doing this or that or the other. All good things, mind you. Some even very spiritual and ministry-minded things.  I over-exerted myself and got no results. Then I got mad. Then I became so tired. Then I was hopeless again as I was before He found me surrendering the first time. Then I died.

Now, I'm beginning to come back out by hanging on to words of life He spoke to me. Hope. Freedom. You will always be my beloved child in whom I am well pleased. Peace. Victory. Although I am jumping in again, I have established a foundation of principles I am not willing to waver on, for they are truth and life. I know absolutes and have conviction. I am bold and unapologetic.  I am jumping in, sadly feet first this time - but nevertheless jumping in. I'm going at it again. I'm praying and hoping all the passion returns to me and God gives me the desires of my heart. I know God only wants me to spend time with Him and turn to Him, and know Him as my good and loving Father.  What I do will fall into place, but no longer am I concentrating on having more faith or prayer or any of the good things I want to be disciplined in.  I want God.  The works are no substitute.  I am going slow this time but enduring the race. I will finish.

Real

Martha and Mary.  I've been both. Sadly, most times I've been acting out a Mary, I was doing it out of self-righteousness and pride. Also, most times I've been a Martha, I've acted out of self-righteousness and pride. I suppose the time has come to stop "acting" like either one and just be myself. Freedom to behave out of what I feel and think and want and for all those things to be aligned with God's will for me - that's what I want. As for the ladies, they served a purpose that day for Jesus to show us some neat concepts necessary for freedom. This may have been a one-time-deal, and the next week, Mary probably did the opposite :)

I think back on this encounter with Jesus, and wonder if after He rebuked Martha, and commended Mary - there wasn't probably some familiar things going on:

• Martha is angry because the Teacher did not agree with what she was doing; He did not side with her in rebuking Mary, but turned the rebuke back on her.
• Mary is gloating because the Teacher commended her for spending time with Him; she feels secure because He knows her desires; He wants to be with her too and Mary is happy her sister does not have the last word in telling her what to do this time, because He overrode it. 

I wonder what happened between the sisters later? All the fighting and the bringing back up of past mistakes and remember whens? Ahh... the reality of it all.

As Solomon said, there is a time for everything under heaven. "There is a time to cook and prepare, Martha", and a time to hang out and enjoy each others company.  If neither cooked, they would both enjoy the company of Jesus and who knows, as they got hungry - He may have produced more fish and bread, maybe even cheese and wine too!  The food would have been taken care of. I'm pretty sure of that.
The greatest thing I take from this very real story is a lesson: we live to please Him, not people. When we live to please Him, a lot of people will get offended and we have to shake that off. But, when we listen to Him, a lot of people will benefit from our obedience as well. In the end, the benefits outweigh the offenses, because those people once offended will come back around and see the difference.

This takes me back to people pleasing. Basically, Jesus affirming Mary's actions, showed her that she did not have to work hard to please Martha anymore, she can obey her heart's desire and be with Him - as this is also His will - for her to abide.  Being sure what Jesus' will is, Mary probably gloated with delight when He stood up for her and fought her sister on her behalf. She was filled with joy that the Guest of Honor, the Teacher, wanted to spend time with her rather than wanting something from her - to fill His belly and be pampered.  He just wanted her. This must have validated Mary and made her feel important, recognized, cared for, appreciated for who she is rather that what she does, and justified. She must have felt united with the LORD, forgiven, accepted and free from all charges against her. She must have felt as she were seated with Jesus in the heavenly realm, that nothing could separate them, as she found unprecedented grace and mercy. It would be great to feel this way and more importantly to be sure God feels this way about us so that we not just feel like this - we know beyond doubt we are beloved and accepted, justified and set apart, blameless in His sight. Jesus is the rightful Heir, the only begotten Son of God - but we are adopted. God chose us before the foundation of the world so that we would be holy and blameless before Him. He chose us! He wanted us! He predestined us! He called us! He justified and glorified us! This is Good News!

I hope Martha saw this and learned from it. I hope we do too.  It's not what we do - it's who we are. When our identity is secure in Him, what people want from us does not drive us. Who we want to be with - does.  We no longer feel obligated to please others so they are content with us and their world is left undisturbed. We launch out of love and can be all that we are created to be - living in freedom and faith, full of grace that He gave us.  We spend time with Him. It is in these times with the LORD that we learn we are exactly where we should be and are released to be ourselves.  But in being ourselves created in His image, we live to serve others and thrive in meaningful and close relationships. It is a beautiful life indeed.

Nations

"Give me the nations, LORD," we pray.  But what do we really want? Fame in the world? Our business or mission to be spread worldwide? For everyone to know what we have to say or does it matter if we are the ones spreading the word? Are we content to just pray about it and allow someone else to do the work?  I know most people would rather just do that - but for those of us who would rather be in the middle of the action - why? My cry has been for the LORD to give me His heart, so that my prayers and my willingness to go out into the world and make a difference are with pure motives. I want to want to help others because I have a heart to do it, and only the LORD and myself will know - but I want it to be so real. I want to know that what I am doing and pursuing and praying for as far as the nations go, is for the benefit of others.  I know my blessings will come, but it's not a focus. I want to get there.

I pray for Israel. I pray for America. I pray for countless countries when I hear about sudden traumas or disasters there like India or Haiti. I pray for the people and the land especially when I am viewing it on the Internet or the television. The videos and photos right in front of my eyes make it more real and urgent I guess.  Like the commercials of the little girls lined up in the streets of India after sold into trafficking, or the poor kiddos in africa thin as skeletons caring for their baby brothers and sisters because they lost their parents.  I pray for this world. But there is something else...

Some years ago, Daniel gave me a book by K.P. Yohanan, entitled "The Road to Reality," in which he described the impoversihed state of his homeland, India, and challenged us to see that we live like kings here in the states and take our "stuff" for granted most of the time. He also shared a view that the LORD showed him, and that is for Christians from other areas of the world to pray and help with their country of origin.  He went on to say how natives receive people of their own nationality a lot better than just "some Americans" who have no idea what life is like in other parts of the world, really. He said that because he was originally from India, it was easier for him to set up a mission house there, and for him to get a group of Christians together in India who trusted him, and share in the same vision for their land.  It was the first time I heard this, but nevertheless, very interesting and simple.  If your roots are Mexican, make your mission field in Mexico. If your roots are German, go to Germany to share the Gospel. Very interesting. So, about a year or so later, in worship at one of the Encounter services, the LORD shared with me how He wanted me to go back to Serbia and help. I remembered what I had read in this book, and knew it was destiny. When or how, or in what sense and context I do not know yet, but I am excited about it. 

I remember the spiritual oppression there. I remember all the fuss about curses and superstitions, and evil eyes. I know there aren't a lot of Spirit-filled churches there, probably due to the fact the country was communist for so long. The religious of the land were thought of as simple minded folk because they mixed superstition into tradition and formed a bunch of religious activity and rituals. Candle lighting, saint worship, and the awe of being inside a church building was more of a holy fear - holy fear being a good thing if you know who your God is. The reverence is something I wish we had more of today. But in all, the fear of being on your best behavior in a church building (where God's presence is thought to only lie) and not living by God's love the rest of the days, only says that the God being worshiped is not omnipresent or omniscient. It does not believe He is with us everywhere and knows and sees everything. That's not our God. I would love to help open a church and worship center where the people of Serbia can learn about the truths of the bible and how relevant God's word is for today.  I want the people to know that the lie of the communist parties that religion is for the weak is just that - a lie. It is exactly the opposite. Those without the knowledge of God and His precepts, His mercy, forgiveness, and mostly His love, live in inner weakness and hopelessness, leaning on people to come through for them and help them instead.  There is no absolute and therefore no truth. When there is not real truth - it's all a lie. If it's all a lie - then what's the point of life? Hopelessness is delivered into the minds of youth and it's sad to see. I want to change this in Serbia. One day I hope to preach hope there.

Love

"Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers..."  I get this I think to some degree.  Like when I prayed to win the lottery or for my teenage boyfriend to stick around forever - those were the prayers I know were best unanswered. And I see why now, and I can trust the sovereignty of God when I look back because He did indeed knew best. What's hard though is when you pray for someone to be healed and they die. Or when you pray for peace and wars break out or tsunamis and hurricanes wreck havoc.  What then? Why, God?  It's harder to believe He is good and in control then.  Most of the questions I hear from people who do not yet know their Creator sound something like this: "If God is so good and all powerful, then why does all the bad stuff happen? Why all the murders, rapes, injustice, hunger, disease and death? Why wars and natural disasters when He can just say the word and it not be so?"

The best way to begin explaining and answering questions starts with this: God works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Do you love God? Then He is working EVERYTHING out for you benefit. Do you not yet know God? Then He is waiting for you to surrender yourself over to Him and realize and confess your love for Him so everything then can be working out for your best interest too! He wants none to perish or have a hard life- Jesus came so we can have a more abundant life, for a chance to experience heaven on earth. First thing's first - Know God. Believe Him. Love Him. Trust Him.  Bad things will happen, and it's inevitable they do.  The difference maker will be the peace within. When we better understand the goodness of God and His loving nature, we will be better equipped for bad news.

About the bad news... Look at it from a new perspective: We indeed live on a fallen planet ruled by the Prince of Darkness who stole the deed from Adam who was the initial ruler of the earth. The LORD tried to use His chosen people, the Jews, to live blamelessly by His law as an example to the rest of the world of what a free life can look like. But people of the world were puppets to the evil king already, and they made it hard for the Jews to obey fully. Israel could not uphold God's law and they kept disobeying and putting Him aside despite the miracles and the prophets He sent.

All along, God wanted a big family with people from all ends of the world.  He saw no one worthy to buy the deed to the world back, so He humbled Himself and entered the world as a human through Mary.  That's how much He loves us and could not stand any longer to see us throw our lives away to sin and damnation.  As the only begotten Son by the Holy Spirit Himself, Jesus worked tirelessly telling parables, doing miracles, healing, rebuking demons and teaching like no one before or since. He wanted people to get who He was and why He came, especially His disciples, so they can spread the news that redemption is here! He lived a blameless life so that He can fulfill His purpose - buy the sons of the world back and bring them back to God. He also went to hell and back and got the deed to our planet. Now He could have called it a good day and ended God's plan, but many, many people had not yet come to know Him. It would not have been a good deal for them.  God wants heaven full of people!  And He had so much more planned for this world - duh - we haven't been born yet :)

So, through His people - our heavenly Father has been trying to spread the Good News of the Gospel - confess with your mouth and believe in your heart Jesus is who He says - Lord of Lords and King of Kings who lived and died for us.  Why?  Because He does not want ANYONE to perish into a cursed eternity where they would spend just that long paying for their sins. Hell was created for the devil and his followers. His original plan and the world He created had no sin and was what we today refer to as "Paradise." That was God's intention for this earth, but the devil played Adam and Eve so cunningly, that Paradise was lost. The earth begin to deteriorate and people experience all sorts of discomfort, pain and suffering. What once was a representation of heaven on earth - where the two worlds intersected and you could see things like knowledge and the spiritual realm, has now become a far cry form that, yet we have somehow shifted the blame on God for "ruining our lives" and "allowing disasters to strike."  Our first pair of lovers was tricked and lured into disobeying the perfect will of God - and once sin entered, the downward spiral began.

So, to those who wonder why God seems absent or like He could care less about the deaths, disease, and hunger - think again.  Think for yourself.  Do not let the Deceiver lie to you any longer. Do not continue blaming the One through Whom ALL blessings flow. He is waiting to restore this earth at the appointed time when all will be as it should be. No tears, no sorrow, and death will be no more. A greater Paradise awaits when heaven and earth will finally be as one. The job of those of us who are His children are to show a little bit of this heaven to the world. To expose the truth and the lies. Our job is to be His Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven. Our job is to tell the world that Jesus lives and that their Father in Heaven is for them and always has been and always will be. Our mission is to show hope, kindness and peace and joy and gentleness, and self-control and patience, goodness, faithfulness, and Love. Yes, Love. The Greatest of these is Love.  The world will know who we are by the Love we show. The world will know their Loving Father by the Love we show. Love indeed makes the world go 'round, and it's all we need.

Assignment

Sometimes I am at a loss for words.. I know this may be unusual but there are so many things I can write about that I can't zero in one one. Maybe it's not a loss but overload of words.  Intercession is an important practice and just like it was talked about in today's devotional, it has blessed me more than others, it seems. From praying for healing and positive reports, to praying for Israel and the US, I love the way I am so empowered afterward. But what is my assignment? Funny I started to talk about this the other day, but to continue from two days ago:

When I asked for God to show me His heart, He began with children. I realized how much I loved kids and how my heart goes out for injustice done to them. It is very easy for my heart to break instantaneously and for me to pray for a situation simply upon seeing a photo of a child in need. From prayer requests I have gotten in e-mails with photos of babies in hospitals fighting for their life, to infomercials on TV with poor and destitute faces wanting some kind of hope... Just thinking about it now I'm ready to cry. It hurts my heart for this world to know that there are people who have gotten so far from God that they have no moral standards and can inflict such pain on helpless souls. It makes me so mad at the enemy of our souls for the destruction and evil he has posed on everything good God created.

Interceding for my family is easy as well, for I want the best for them, of course. Interceding for the good of our companies, neighborhoods, cities, and country, is also beneficial to us, so we are more apt to do it - usually after disaster strikes or there is an imposed threat to our security and peace. But what if we asked God and prayed first seeking His will and a specific assignment for us personally?  What if He gave us a heart for a specific country, group of people or a cause to pray for that no one else has taken interest in?  What if He is just looking for ONE person to pray an intercede for each cause He is trying to uphold and change the world so it's more heaven-like?  What if no one else listened and we were the only one interceding for that person or place?  Sounds like an important job, doesn't it? 


This has happened to me many times, and sometimes I wonder if it's worth it because I see others praying for the same thing.  But in retrospect I think back and wonder - how many prayers were faith-filled and from a righteous man? I believe I am in right standing with God at all times because His Son has made this possible and my honesty and faith that He will answer my prayers is what's needed in certain circumstances. Sometimes an outsider with no agenda, motives or past history with the person is needed to intercede because they are praying in faith for God's will and not worrying about the outcome. There is less room for doubt because our self has little room to intercede because we are not in the way. Please pray for God to show you a handful of people, causes, places, or circumstances that you can intercede for in prayer whenever prompted. Make it your special undercover assignment from the very TOP!

Toka Toka

Not sure when it started, but giving my mom credit for the broken English - our family saying when someone is just talking too much: "you just toka toka all the time."  When I was younger I was fairly shy but the more my circumstances went out of whack and upon moving to a strange land, my parents separating and being gone all the time, I found my voice. I just wanted to be heard, so I looked for attention and talked all the time so someone would actually listen to me and pay some attention. Even in adult years, I wanted a platform so I can speak or sing and dance or whatever - anything to get me in front of others so they stop what they're doing, and stop talking amongst themselves and pay attention TO ME!  It's like I was reverting back to childhood; I read about toddlers and their talking habits in today's devotional and I thought "that was me not too long ago."

I believe what has helped me grow up (for the second time)  is getting closer to my Father in heaven.  The more I understand who He is and who I am, and really get my identity - the more I don't need to tell everyone about it. When I first go to Him with my concerns and cares and life's battles and obstacles, He gives me peace and promises me good and I'm okay.  Not that I don't have worries at all, but I can understand them better and when they come I pass them on, because I really don't want to hang on to worry about tomorrow, or even worry for the latter part of today, or this minute.  I've gotten to a point where I can sit back and listen to others and see what their needs are, and pay attention to what's going on around me.  I have found my outlet in writing (because I still do have a lot to say - like you haven't noticed) but it's for my benefit, to get my thoughts organized, not for that once overwhelming desperation to be heard.

I think I'm just getting older. I don't know, but I am more calmer and at peace with everything, and I actually feel older. It's weird.  I've realized I've lived about a third of my life already if I live to about 120.  If I die sooner than that, I've spent closer to half of my life. I've learned things I want to live out and not just talk about, and I am really tired of living to please others. If I please God already, I'm good to go. I am content with being silent. 

But - that's when it starts! The inner voice that wants to speak out on behalf of those who cannot! The strength comes in my weakness, and I am getting some extra added guts. Although I don't feel like I need to be in the middle of every conversation, the life of the party and the middle of every room anymore, I want to stand out on behalf of others. I want to be a case for Christ. I want my life to speak volumes to those who know me. I am getting a glimpse of the beginning of this new life, and I love it!  When finally I have gotten to a place when I can honestly say I am happy to be calm and peaceful and quiet by myself, the LORD says - now it's time for you to do what you do best - talk! :) we'll see what happens from it!

Tears

My eyes splash prayers over and over again ... Just a single thought on a particular subject and my eyes are filled with tears and my heart aches towards a person, peoples, circumstances or injustice. I have so many new and newly realized passions of my heart that I'd like to list here.  My heart aches and bleeds for certain things and in this I see a glimpse of what God cares about - and I love Him all the more.

I don't know if I'm just getting older, more in touch with my feelings or nature or whatever you wanna call it, but I look around sometimes at this world and really see how beautiful it is. I love the seasons - ALL of them in their fullest - and love being in nature looking at the scenery, trees, plants, waters, animals, etc. Then I see some crazy end of days movie about how we contaminated this world and ruined it with bombs and biological weapons, and my heart cries. I fear - what if "Wall-E" gives a glimpse of how it will be. The "Mad Max" or "Book of Eli" kind of fate. it makes me so terribly sad to think that we could destroy our planet like this and instead of beautiful colors in nature and in architecture and people, we are all dusty - the earth and its inhabitants. A sad story. My heart goes out to this world and I hope and pray we wont ruin it like this. I pray 2012 wont be a easy time in history due to all the prophecies, for people to take it upon themselves and instill pain and destruction on the planet and the people.

My heart goes out to Israel - like I cannot explain. When I hear of nation's leaders hating this little piece of God country so much and wanting the annihilation of the Jews like Hitler, Haman, and many others who bore the Antichrist spirit. To me, this is a BIG proof about God's word! His people. I mean, why would nation after nation, throughout history want the Jews gone. Why so much interest for this tiny nation? Why so much hatred especially from the Arab nations? Is it because we cannot stand to see someone favored and it not being us? Kind of like the new motto "we're all winners in this game! No one should stand out."  I always think of the movie "Incredibles."  Dash is fighting with his dad about being special and what's wrong with that, and then mumbles "if everyone is special - then no one is."  It's the basis of socialism. Fake equality.

America the beautiful! Ahhh, I so do wish we can stand up and voice our opinions for this great nation and express how the majority still wants it to be successful to stand out in the world and be a refuge of hope and opportunity!  I've never considered myself a political person, but regarding this country - man... I can join a revolution! I read and learn what this country stood for back in the day, and know that God blesses godly principles which we follow and He has indeed blessed this country greatly for many reasons. It's full of His people. I pray for a great revival and an awakening of souls!

Abortion. Child trafficking. Hunger (especially in children - seeing the stats of babies and kiddos dying for the lack of food or water does something crazy in me). These are the types of injustice I am looking to help with. I suppose they all have to do with kids, and I know my heart goes out to children in need everywhere. I love to see the different races - their beautiful faces; I have been mesmerized by different types of nationalities since I can remember. I remember how much I loved seeing toys and games and cards or books with kids dressed up in their national get-up. Si interesting and different yet the picture when they are all holding hands around the world is what I love to see most. I want to solve world hunger, filter the drinking water in the even most remote parts of the world, eliminate child trafficking with severe punishment and exposure, and reverse abortion laws as they are unconstitutional and anti-human. That's all for now.

Strength

Why in the world would we not want to listen and obey the voice of Almighty God of this entire existence? If He were alive in the flesh and standing beside our bed this morning would we not flip out? If He began talking to us about the wonders of His creation, telling us sweet things and maybe even wanting us to do a very special something and maybe call up a long lost friend - would we roll over in bed and ignore Him? I did. Well, say God wasn't present in flesh - well, not to me - but He was alive in flesh about 2000 years ago and people still ignored Him in disbelief and ignorance. What would it take? Why is it easier to obey some times rather than others?  Why cannot I have a holy fear at all times - respecting the Creator of the universe and giving Him the time of day He deserves?

At the end - I must expect grace. Instead of spending another moment worrying about how I missed out on an opportunity or didn't do something right, or even blew off God when He tried to speak. He is so much greater than my failures and I must receive His grace and understand I will fail and mess up constantly, but I am to go forward in quiet strength - not stand still shouting how big of a failure I've been. It is self-centered and it's not like God doesn't think I would ever mess up. He'd rather me not, and He wants me to acknowledge those times and repent so I grow from them and use them as stepping stones to help me not repeat the same mistakes. I'm sick and tired about being sick and tired about failing God. I have come to a conclusion I always will - but Good News has it that to Him I am perfect, blameless, and still His beloved child in whom He is WELL pleased!  So it's really me I am trying to please by being "perfect" and doing all things "right." I'm judging myself when I fail instead of accepting the work of Jesus. That's what makes it crazy in my head! When the familiar "How could you?" or "you know better than not to do that," rings in my ears  the best remedy is the Word -

Romans 5:1-2 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Hebrews 12:15 See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled.

So by adding and growing our faith we eventually get to the point of no return - GRACE!  Here is where we stand tall and have joy! Joy that it's not our works which are as filthy rags but His works which were enough and without reproach. So by drawing near to Him, in this place of joy called "grace" we find strength and power as Stephen did before the LORD called him home. It is guaranteed that I fail. It's the only thing I can honestly guarantee. But how fast do I rise back up depends on how quickly I let down pride and self and run back into my loving Father's arms. It's only me and my own "need" to judge that prevents a life of freedom. And as God instructs, don't fail to get grace. This failure - of not agreeing with God about being righteous in Him - does result in bitterness thus resulting in my corruption and ruin. so there's no other way to freedom but through grace through Him whom we praise - this is why we praise Him! Rock on...

 

Reality

One thing - I am so thankful to whomever it was (I cannot recall) that taught me the importance to be honest with God early on.  To know and believe in His presence at all times. I don't know when it was when it set in with me, whether it was Susanne Lemme with a card of Psalm 139 she said was for me, or Beth Moore in her Believing God study. no matter, but I do pray blessing on these women and whomever else was involved in my early learning about the (and here is a fancy word) omnipresence of God. Thank you.

Since I can remember, I have always been upfront with God. Now there were times I "ran away" or just pretended like He wasn't waiting to speak with me, and I ignored Him, knowing full well we will be talking later. I learned this was not the best way to deal with my life, but it took a long time to get rebellion out of me. I still have moments...  Nevertheless, I go to the LORD with everything. And I speak to Him everywhere.  I feel no shame to talk to Him while on the "potty" or even during sex. I know He is with me always and what in the world do I have to hide He hasn't seen? Maybe it started when I was baptized in the Holy Spirit.  I was in the shower, at my worst, hopeless for a good future, and angry with God because I felt He left me since I gave my life to Him. I have never been the same since that moment I experienced life, light and hope in a blink of an eye. It was magical! And since then, I often take all rings and earrings off and declare to Him in my hideout - the shower - "Naked I came and naked I will return;" I've got nothing.  It's all You!  Blessed Be Your Name.

My husband, Daniel and I have a close relationship and since we were together, we included each other in everything. A lot of times this was detrimental, but it taught us both to trust each other and love unconditionally. We have experienced so many trials, in almost every area of life and through it all it was the closeness, and the open communication that kept us together. We tell each other everything, and we are each others accountability partner.  I have often said very mean things and gotten angry for no reason, threatened to leave and been unfaithful in many areas. I have lied to him and vice-versa, yet we always come back together as friends, in love. This earthly relationship has needed much work, much faith and much trust, but it has given me a glimpse of what I need to do in order to be as close and even closer with the LORD.  I need to work in the relationship, by spending time with Him and learning about Him.  I need to trust Him in all things and have faith that He is who He says He is and His word is true and the absolute truth. And the more time we spend together - the more faith I have!

Daniel has been my glimpse of the LORD's grace and unconditional love.  I believe all spouses are willing to endure the gravest trials for one another - it is the one who is not satisfied - and usually with him or herself - that looks for ways to blame the other for their failures and shortcomings.  If we only worked on ourselves like we're instructed and took responsibility for our own actions, our world would really be a better place.  Sometimes we want instant change or complete turnarounds, and the same drive to succeed and be free from our spouse - but it rarely happens. This time is marks our wilderness, our desperate prayer and crying out for "them to change" while they are just content being constant and the same as usual.  If we embraced this time and benefited from getting feedback and room for us to grow from our loved one instead of being mad they are not at the same point in life as we are, we could change our destiny.  I think if both people grew at the same time - heads would fly!  I think the LORD places the spouse who seems as though at a standstill in our lives in these times to teach us patience and show us His patience and mercy with us.  It is a call to step up and a chance to experience unconditional love. 

Once again - I veered off, bu it's okay.  He knows my thoughts. The LORD is patient with me and constantly flooring me with HIS unconditional love for me!

Peace

I did not like today's devotional.  Not because it was bad but because I was not prepared to hear it. But, I allowed myself to be still and listen and realize why. The story was about a grandmother praying for her granddaughter in ICU, and the LORD gave her the word "peace" through the pastor, then she was told to meditate on verses regarding peace. When her granddaughter passed away, a note with the same verse about peace the grandma had been meditating on, was tacked onto her gown. In the end, the grandma had peace. She knew her granddaughter was alright. I get it and hopefully never understand it fully but it caused a fearful instinct in me...

We are to pray His will be done. I know this. But after reading about the death of this child because of an accident, I thought about my teenager who isn't soon from driving. Something rose up in me and in no way was I ready to pray "His will be done." I realized later that it had been fear which overtook me, over something which is not even happening in my life. I really hate it when I give in to thinking every bad thing that happens to others will happen to me. Not that I believe it will, but I allow the thought to enter my mind and I begin to match up characters and other people and situations with me and my family and our life. If I let the similarities linger and think about it long enough, I could allow myself to believe these things will happen to me and my loved ones too. It's such a battle.  What this did today, in turn, was stiffened my heart in a way and blocked me from hearing God.  I could not focus to save my life afterward, and I thought about pompous things as my mind wondered.  Odds and end things like me being picked out of thousands of people in a conference with a popular speaker, having her signal me out and talk about how great I am.  Everything that came to mind was obnoxious and self-centered. Then I got it.  When fear rules your life it's impossible to put God first, and even hear Him clearly or focus on understanding His Word. It's the opposite of what He's trying to teach me; fear and love don't dwell side by side. 

At first I had not realized that I had suppressed fear, and acted out of this negative emotion.  I simply thought I was just having trouble focusing - but the unrest was apparent and I had to dig deeper. There is always a simple explanation but you can also always go deeper.  This time I listened and actually wanted to know instead if just saying so.  It's amazing how much we try to hide our fears and hold them down and suppress them. It's like if we just think about something else they will go away.  These thoughts may go away, but they come back.We may even think it's no big deal, afraid to deal with the fear for the fear of what happens next. By exposing the fear and letting it go, allowing Love to tell us the truth, we see for ourselves how stupid it is to believe lies and are once again Kingdom focused.  The next time the thoughts arise, we smell the lies cooking from afar off, know how to handle them and not have to feel anxious and out of control. It is so much better to deal with fear when it arises then save it for later.  Once exposed, fear begins to lose its power over us. That's hopeful.

For example, have you ever felt afraid to ask God what He would have you do because you're afraid you wont want to do it?  Instead of tackling the fear - the lies that it's too hard or too much, or not fair, etc. - we try to bypass the meeting with God altogether, walking around the mountain over and over again.  Eventually we have to deal with it, and if I have learned anything - It's ALWAYS best to deal with the fear (or any issue at hand) right away.  Just get it resolved as fast as you can. You are stronger than you think.