Dreams

It is so hard for me to live moment by moment. I know I should and it is the best plan for me and my well being, but I cannot seem to get this discipline down. It drives me nuts because I don't drive it!!!  Those times when I pause time by my own doing, I experience miracles, I hear God's voice and I have peace and joy. No wonder God begs us to be still and know Him! If I understood that even the times when I am doing dishes and laundry or playing Mario with my son all have their place in my life - I would not do these begrudgingly or in a hurry while praying for bigger and greater things to come about!  LORD - use me - I pray! But as I pray I forget that all I do should be as unto Him. Even vacuuming or organizing for no reason but to get more organized.  I get bugged when my house is messy because I know I will have to clean it.  And I don't want to.  I want to do "greater things..."

And so it goes - day in and day out and the commands of Jesus in the book of Matthew, where He advises me to live each day without worry for the future, just disappear.  I am bogged down with cleaning, cooking, laundry, taking care of kids, their grades and their future, their relationships and my own, and I worry about having enough money int he future to pay off bills and save for college and retirement. What do I gain by this mom-philosophy but no more days to my life?  I am told to not worry a dozen times, but I still do - even though I tell myself it's not worry but practical observations and planning.  It's not.

To plan for the future - money wise - is simple: tithe, give, pay bills on time, pay debts off, live below your means, etc. We know the drill. As we do these each day, the LORD will certainly provide for our future. It's pretty simple. To plan for simplicity in life - prioritize my time, get rid of things which are not productive in my life in this season, organize my house, set time to clean and do it. All these are simple tasks that I know to do, yet cannot get my mind to really get because I keep involving emotion into it.  My house is not messy because the LORD did not fill me with energy to clean it and so I lay depressed wondering why? My check bounces not because the LORD failed to provide and lead me to despair, but because I did not budget wisely.  I have come to realize that much of the depression and anxiety that has plagued my life had little to do with the LORD, but all to do with me making poor choices and experiencing appropriate consequences. Not because He is punishing me, but because there are laws and rules by which I must abide in order to experience the fullness in life.  (These blessings do not rely on me doing things for God, I do these because I want to).  I am free to partake of the biggest and best blessings this world has to offer and the LORD is waiting to bless me - I just need to stop waiting on Him to pour it out - but reach out and receive it! I am to step into the Red Sea of faith and receive deliverance from everything I am already delivered from!  My life should be full of joy and peace because every step I take is in tune with His will for my life because I am His righteousness!  No worry. No fret. Just doing the things in life I know to do as the LORD was in flesh watching me every step of the way!  And in all things I will find joy and peace and blessing!  Go by the wind of His breath! The Holy Spirit - my best friend and a motherly influence like no other!

My dreams are big because God has planted them in me.  My dreams are so much different than the circumstances I live in now and so it is hard for me to muster up the seed of faith day in and day out. But I press forward to reach the goal. I know with every day I am closer to my dreams. I just pray that the time in between - until I reach my dreams - are wisely spent in truth and love.  I pray my life depicts one of a joyous woman of God; a life that can be talked about like the one of the wife and mother in Proverbs 31.  I pray that I stop mumbling and complaining during the time of wait about how I am not living my dreams yet - but move forward with love knowing I am closer now...