Fast

Slow. How in the world did I get here? By jumping in and not being familiar with the waters, hoping for a miracle.  I spent many years receiving miracles and being amazed after going in head first. The only thing is, the more opposition came, the more I learned and was told, and the more people who have been Christians way longer than me came into my life and shared their views - the more I began to panic and sink. I sank to the bottom. I was unprepared. I was unaware - I thought everyone else lived like I did, and spoke to the LORD daily, and lived in miracles. The more I started comparing, the more I became like everyone else I didn't want to be like. Then I slowed down. 

Sometimes the biggest stumbling block in your Christian walk is another Christian.  I believe this comes from forgetting we did nothing to receive the grace in salvation, and as Paul said - why do we think we can take it from here and finish the work God has started on our own merits? The book of Galatians really tackles this issue, especially in chapter 3 when Paul even says the foolish Galatians are acting as if someone has bewitched them!  Now thinking on the people who have been coming to the church in Galatia and hearing the Christians share this "new Gospel by works" - it would most definitely cause them to stumble. I think we kind of live like that today as well.

We go to the Christian book store because we heard someone say "you have to get that book," and pick up a few copies of different books regarding how we should live free.  The views are different in each book and you begin to question who is right, seeing all the writers are highly esteemed pastors and leaders. We listen to a teaching on the radio and it really spurs us up to good deeds, then later that night we watch the Christian channel and hear another pastor speak on something different yet also intriguing - and you wonder "where do I go from here?"

I don't know who helped me, but from the beginning of my walk with Christ, I listened to many different preachers, views and teachings, and whatever stirred in my spirit as truth, I savored it. So I may read an entire book and only get one sentence that becomes life-changing to me, and that's all I take from it. This has been helpful when the books have been mainly about positions I do not agree with, and sometimes downright oppose. There is always something to learn. I pray for God to lead me to what He is trying got show me.

But even in this open-minded venture of mine, to get to he bottom of it and know the Truth, I stumbled many times and it has always been about works - which lead to me. A self-centered view that goes like this: Pray more. Read more. Fast this or that. Be nice. Give. Fast a little more often. Sing songs, have more faith, pray for deliverance, healing and miracles. The harder I tired, the harder it became to live a life I knew right after Jesus called me.  I longed to be free and wild about Him, but again, I tried to get there by doing this or that or the other. All good things, mind you. Some even very spiritual and ministry-minded things.  I over-exerted myself and got no results. Then I got mad. Then I became so tired. Then I was hopeless again as I was before He found me surrendering the first time. Then I died.

Now, I'm beginning to come back out by hanging on to words of life He spoke to me. Hope. Freedom. You will always be my beloved child in whom I am well pleased. Peace. Victory. Although I am jumping in again, I have established a foundation of principles I am not willing to waver on, for they are truth and life. I know absolutes and have conviction. I am bold and unapologetic.  I am jumping in, sadly feet first this time - but nevertheless jumping in. I'm going at it again. I'm praying and hoping all the passion returns to me and God gives me the desires of my heart. I know God only wants me to spend time with Him and turn to Him, and know Him as my good and loving Father.  What I do will fall into place, but no longer am I concentrating on having more faith or prayer or any of the good things I want to be disciplined in.  I want God.  The works are no substitute.  I am going slow this time but enduring the race. I will finish.