Toka Toka

Not sure when it started, but giving my mom credit for the broken English - our family saying when someone is just talking too much: "you just toka toka all the time."  When I was younger I was fairly shy but the more my circumstances went out of whack and upon moving to a strange land, my parents separating and being gone all the time, I found my voice. I just wanted to be heard, so I looked for attention and talked all the time so someone would actually listen to me and pay some attention. Even in adult years, I wanted a platform so I can speak or sing and dance or whatever - anything to get me in front of others so they stop what they're doing, and stop talking amongst themselves and pay attention TO ME!  It's like I was reverting back to childhood; I read about toddlers and their talking habits in today's devotional and I thought "that was me not too long ago."

I believe what has helped me grow up (for the second time)  is getting closer to my Father in heaven.  The more I understand who He is and who I am, and really get my identity - the more I don't need to tell everyone about it. When I first go to Him with my concerns and cares and life's battles and obstacles, He gives me peace and promises me good and I'm okay.  Not that I don't have worries at all, but I can understand them better and when they come I pass them on, because I really don't want to hang on to worry about tomorrow, or even worry for the latter part of today, or this minute.  I've gotten to a point where I can sit back and listen to others and see what their needs are, and pay attention to what's going on around me.  I have found my outlet in writing (because I still do have a lot to say - like you haven't noticed) but it's for my benefit, to get my thoughts organized, not for that once overwhelming desperation to be heard.

I think I'm just getting older. I don't know, but I am more calmer and at peace with everything, and I actually feel older. It's weird.  I've realized I've lived about a third of my life already if I live to about 120.  If I die sooner than that, I've spent closer to half of my life. I've learned things I want to live out and not just talk about, and I am really tired of living to please others. If I please God already, I'm good to go. I am content with being silent. 

But - that's when it starts! The inner voice that wants to speak out on behalf of those who cannot! The strength comes in my weakness, and I am getting some extra added guts. Although I don't feel like I need to be in the middle of every conversation, the life of the party and the middle of every room anymore, I want to stand out on behalf of others. I want to be a case for Christ. I want my life to speak volumes to those who know me. I am getting a glimpse of the beginning of this new life, and I love it!  When finally I have gotten to a place when I can honestly say I am happy to be calm and peaceful and quiet by myself, the LORD says - now it's time for you to do what you do best - talk! :) we'll see what happens from it!