Paint

"Paint a picture of me so I can see who I should be..." I pray for this. I have some glimpses and bits and pieces but I want to see the whole picture. I want to see what the overall result is of all these years of wondering and pruning and purifying. And what if I see something that is not what I am today? What if I see a picture of a satisfied woman with a great marriage and family living the life of our dreams?  What if what I see is not where I am now but what I wish for? Is what I see just wishful thinking or something bigger? How do I know the difference between the two?

I have this picture on our bedroom wall and look at it quite often. I cry often looking at it , while writing scripts in my had about it. I see this as Dan and I dancing, (which I always wanted us to take classes and perfect our couple's dancing) dressed up like maybe we just got finished throwing a wedding for one of our kids, or received a Grammy or an Oscar.  My feet are hurting me in those awfully high heels so I take them off and feel the cool water beneath - which I absolutely love (to walk on the beach barefoot).  There is the singing butler and the maid, representing our financial problems are far behind us, and also showing us we have people who take care of us and sing and dance with us enjoying life's special moments. We are both thin and fit to wear our fancy clothes showing we are in the best shape of our lives and downright looking good!  Although it's raining, and our fine clothes are getting ruined, my makeup probably running, and it seems we have stayed out the entire night - we embrace the dawn with the angels beside us, thankful for our life, more in love than ever, carefree and energized with joy unimaginable. That's what I see.

I remember reading C.S. Lewis' "Mere Christianity" for the first time about eight years ago.  It was full of literal interpretations of God's Word which helped me understand so much more, but in one of the latter chapters, he said something that really struck me: "It's like God does not know what you are about to do until you do it and then once  that steps into time, it's as He has known it since the beginning of time." Something like that. This very sentence, in just exact verbiage that Mr. Lewis used, the LORD showed to me just a year prior. I was amazed.  I had been telling people this concept for a long time, yet everyone either just looked at me and changed the subject, or told me to back off because I was stepping on God's toes - how dare I say He does not know...But, I knew inside God knew it all, this way of interpreting just helped me see how. It was not as if I was trying to demean God's authority or blasphemy against His omniscience - I finally received that God indeed knows it all! I was so energized by this revelation but the more I expressed it to others, the more I saw that I just needed to put this idea at rest. Until I read "Mere Christianity" and the same exact words I had said appeared on paper, penned way before I was even thought of. It floored me and I remember laying in the couch shocked and speechless. I connected with this Lewis fellow through this book, and it sure did freak me out. 


I think of it as going through life making choices out of our free will, yet in eternity - the future, the present, and the past is all the same, because eternity is not governed by time.  God created the heavenly, way before earth and  time. So when I pray and ask God to show me what is going to happen here - He gives me glimpses of eternity. But, how does He know yet - because it must have happened already according to Him. In eternity, I have achieved my destiny. So I trust God and that He will fulfill His purposes for me. I trust that He gives me visuals of the future to encourage me and give me hope, because although hope has made my heart sick (and because of my own disobedience), when He fulfills this longing that is inside me, it will bring about wisdom as a Tree of Life to my soul. I look ahead for the best.


Another analogy I used shortly after my conversion was that of a painting.  When God painted us He painted the whole thing. He knows every bit of the painting, why the specific colors are where they are, why every detail is depicted, what the painting is called and the meaning behind it, much like Psalm 139 tells us. So when we look at a painting we interpret it so very differently and often miss the most important details and certainly do not have the same feelings about it as the painter himself.  He knows why each color is what it is and why some paintings tell of emotions, while others depict surroundings and circumstances, people or abstract ideas. Each one is unique.  It's like us - and the painting we represent to the world as to who we are at this moment shows our emotions, circumstances and outlook in life.
What kind of a painting are you?  How well do you know who you are? Do you see other paintings and identify with them, seeing their potential to be the next Mona Lisa?

Yet when we know the ways in which a certain painter paints, we can look at his other paintings and guess they must have been done by him as well. Like Picasso, for example. If it's weird and makes no sense, drawn out to stand out like a person crying out for attention and doing the craziest things to be seen - then it's a Picasso. Like Cher said in "Clueless,"  -  "It's like a painting, see? From far away, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess." But when you see a painting like this - you immediately say "It's a Picasso." Because you know the ways in which he paints.  What if we are all painted as Van Gohs at first, then we go through life becoming Picassos on our own and then as the LORD calls us back, He reshapes and reconstructs us and we become wise and peaceful Monets? And the world will know us and who we belong to just by seeing us. "By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." And again, I come back from chasing tails to the meaning of it all - Love. Let's all represent our Painter by living out our destiny. Allow yourself to be free to be you. Represent :)