Peace

I did not like today's devotional.  Not because it was bad but because I was not prepared to hear it. But, I allowed myself to be still and listen and realize why. The story was about a grandmother praying for her granddaughter in ICU, and the LORD gave her the word "peace" through the pastor, then she was told to meditate on verses regarding peace. When her granddaughter passed away, a note with the same verse about peace the grandma had been meditating on, was tacked onto her gown. In the end, the grandma had peace. She knew her granddaughter was alright. I get it and hopefully never understand it fully but it caused a fearful instinct in me...

We are to pray His will be done. I know this. But after reading about the death of this child because of an accident, I thought about my teenager who isn't soon from driving. Something rose up in me and in no way was I ready to pray "His will be done." I realized later that it had been fear which overtook me, over something which is not even happening in my life. I really hate it when I give in to thinking every bad thing that happens to others will happen to me. Not that I believe it will, but I allow the thought to enter my mind and I begin to match up characters and other people and situations with me and my family and our life. If I let the similarities linger and think about it long enough, I could allow myself to believe these things will happen to me and my loved ones too. It's such a battle.  What this did today, in turn, was stiffened my heart in a way and blocked me from hearing God.  I could not focus to save my life afterward, and I thought about pompous things as my mind wondered.  Odds and end things like me being picked out of thousands of people in a conference with a popular speaker, having her signal me out and talk about how great I am.  Everything that came to mind was obnoxious and self-centered. Then I got it.  When fear rules your life it's impossible to put God first, and even hear Him clearly or focus on understanding His Word. It's the opposite of what He's trying to teach me; fear and love don't dwell side by side. 

At first I had not realized that I had suppressed fear, and acted out of this negative emotion.  I simply thought I was just having trouble focusing - but the unrest was apparent and I had to dig deeper. There is always a simple explanation but you can also always go deeper.  This time I listened and actually wanted to know instead if just saying so.  It's amazing how much we try to hide our fears and hold them down and suppress them. It's like if we just think about something else they will go away.  These thoughts may go away, but they come back.We may even think it's no big deal, afraid to deal with the fear for the fear of what happens next. By exposing the fear and letting it go, allowing Love to tell us the truth, we see for ourselves how stupid it is to believe lies and are once again Kingdom focused.  The next time the thoughts arise, we smell the lies cooking from afar off, know how to handle them and not have to feel anxious and out of control. It is so much better to deal with fear when it arises then save it for later.  Once exposed, fear begins to lose its power over us. That's hopeful.

For example, have you ever felt afraid to ask God what He would have you do because you're afraid you wont want to do it?  Instead of tackling the fear - the lies that it's too hard or too much, or not fair, etc. - we try to bypass the meeting with God altogether, walking around the mountain over and over again.  Eventually we have to deal with it, and if I have learned anything - It's ALWAYS best to deal with the fear (or any issue at hand) right away.  Just get it resolved as fast as you can. You are stronger than you think.